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I’d rather you didn’t, really. November 6, 2009

Posted by Ms. Art in Bathroom Humor.
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Johnny, approaching me with a pained expression on his face: “Ms. Art.  I gotta pee.”

Self: “What’s that?  ‘May I please…?'”

Johnny: “Oh – uh – can I please…um, may I please…er…pee?”

File under “Thanks for Sharing” April 1, 2008

Posted by Ms. Art in Bathroom Humor.
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A first grader, Ieishah, approached me yesterday as her class was entering the room.  Always a really inconvenient time for a personal conversation, not that that’s occurred to any of my students ever.

So Ieishah comes up, looking extremely distressed.  Before I can stop her and send her on her not-so-merry way to her seat, she gets close and whispers, “…smells like eggs.

I’m distracted by this.  “Wait, what smells like eggs?”

“Every time I burp it smells like eggs.” She’s starting to seem almost panicky now.  “I didn’t even eat eggs today!”

I recover and send her to her seat.  Maybe I should be more accommodating to “urgent” personal conversations from now on, because now that I think about it, they’re almost always pretty entertaining.

Flashback Friday January 25, 2008

Posted by Ms. Art in Bathroom Humor, Darndest Things, Flashback Friday.
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One day, somebody farted in my fourth grade class.  And my third
grade, come to think of it.  Wonder what they served for breakfast.
Anyway, the class went apeshit, I went into my “farts aren’t that funny” spiel but was
interrupted by Daijia, who said, “Gotta fart to live.”

I adopted it as my new spiel.

Flashback Friday!!!!!!!!! January 18, 2008

Posted by Ms. Art in Bathroom Humor, Flashback Friday.
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Deonte was an eleven-year-old third grader who, despite an elementary school career of surely-record length,  still couldn’t read a word.  His mother refused special education services (and, tangentially, my very first day working at that school, was in court, having been brought there by my administration on bomb threat charges).

Deonte was keeping up his usual continuous background patter as I tried to introduce the lesson.  His sole tablemate was doing a pretty good job ignoring him for awhile, but finally, she’d had enough.

Perfectly matter-of-factly, she blurted, “Ms. Art.  Deonte passed gas and said it was your breath.”

It’s my favorite insult of all time.  I’m still saving it up, but someday, I feel sure that I’ll have reason to bring someone to their knees, and out it’ll come.

Firecrotch December 14, 2007

Posted by Ms. Art in Bathroom Humor, Darndest Things.
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Three first-graders come to borrow a Phillips-head screwdriver. (Fact: The art teacher has EVERYTHING.)

I ask: “So should I put my name on this, or are you going to remember whose it is and return it before the end of the day?”

Matthew: “You should put your name on it.”

Andersen: “Yeah, because sometimes, I forget things.” (General agreement ensues.)

Matthew: “One time, I forgot to sleep.  I was watching TV and watching TV and watching and watching and watching TV and then I forgot to sleep.”

Diamond: “One time…um.  I forgot to go to the bathroom.”

Me: “Oh, man.  That’s not a good thing to forget.”

Diamond: (Silent, somber stare.)

Matthew: “One time, I forgot to go to the bathroom too!  Man!  My pants was BURNING!”